Beach Bungalow · Beach love · birthdays and aging · Finding New Loves~ · Freedom · Mindfulness and simplicity · Struggles~ · Working at home · ~This Writing Life~

~a bite of cake

alan-emery-121147Getting older can be such a drag. First, there is the basic concept of time ticking past. Even though this is continually happening, it seems emphasized during a birthday of a ‘certain age’. No matter how you attempt to stuff that little bit of reality into a back drawer of your mind, it is lingering in your conscience. Ready to jump forward at the moment of morning stiffness of limbs, the concern with vitamins, medicines and food groups, and the over-arching awareness of just how the body has begun to respond to life, in general. And let’s not forget that suddenly, everyone seems younger than you.

Secondly, we have the birthdays that continue to bring goofy cards hinting at one’s infirmities with great pleasure. The complete truth that we need no gifts, at all…because after living so long, we have everything we need. Either we have acquired, or minimized our spaces depending on our preferences. This is both a good thing, and quite a sad one, I feel. It seems to me, whether the act of gift -giving and receiving is an expression of thoughtful care or ribald humor, it is a moment of rare, personal exchange we need to cherish.

Finally, that bit of celebration which includes a (hopefully) big, fat, sugary goodness that  is the Birthday Cake. Now, getting older, and older, we are admonished to avoid such delicacies or at least moderate our portion. We need to be in control of the impact such a breach of nutrition will bring. Yes, yes. However, to not have this little joyful tidbit to share with those surrounding us would be unfortunate.

I have had my 66th Birthday this week, and this time, I celebrated! Since the day I turned the ripe old age of 30, I have dreaded this annual event. It has dogged me with memories of rotten youthful parties, and disappointing expectations. As the years flow into another set of years, I am hounded by goals not accomplished, dreams not realized. My poor family tried to pull me into my birthdays each year and I resisted with the strength of a ten-ton tank. Lovely times all, yet I would hit the bed that night envisioning this giant clock of my life….ticking downward.

UNTIL this year. I have turned a corner, and I am unsure what precipitated the change. Nothing on the surface seems too different from last year, I still have those goals unchecked and the dreams remain unrealized. I have accomplished some things, but far from the list I yearn to complete.

Yet, there ARE changes when I consider all things.

Could it be the Blue Wave? Likely played a part…Could it be that I can sleep better now for it?….Could it be the acceptance of this job I am fortunate to have, but steals a bit of my soul daily?…No doubt…..Could it be that I have released the need to control every. single. day of my life to the tiniest second? Surely…Could it be that I am tired of tension, worry and anxiety…. and the wasted energy expended to avoid getting older? I feel certain.

I am in celebration mode.

It is a glorious feeling, to just feel the gratitude of being able to celebrate my birthday. Crazy, I know. People FEEL this way all the time on their birthdays! I know this, because I have seen it in action and witnessed it on the Hallmark channel (LOL). But for me, this is a new way of being. A new day. A new year ahead. How amazing to go to bed that evening, and not feel I was approaching the end and whatever lie ahead was dreadful and dire!

I am unsure this makes any sense to anyone out there. I can’t even truly say I completely understand it. And perhaps I am not suppose to understand, but just go with it, let the feelings envelope and secure me. All I can be sure of, is that this moment right now is pretty dang spectacular! Maybe I am finally becoming wiser…

And now, another bite of cake…

~HPen

 

 

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